Wednesday, May 11, 2005

BAD JOBS + This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

Jobs That Sound Really Good, Until You Actually Have Them

1. Mayor of Los Angeles
You have no power over the school system, no power over the city's hospitals and for your budget you're dependant on the political whims of 12 very powerful city councilpeople who all (foolishly) think they want your job. And yet, you'll take all the heat if the schools suck, the hospitals are bad and the gridlock doesn't get any better. And to top it all off, half the city thinks you're not really their mayor because they live in "Sherman Oaks", "Hollywood" or "Van Nuys". Good luck, Antonio Villaraigosa...

2. President, UPN Network - some of these are self-explanatory.

3. Howard Dean's Victory Party Coordinator

4. Manager, Colorado Rockies - at least Denver is a great city to live in...

5. Governor of Texas - see #1, except substitute "state legislature" for "city councilpeople". At least Austin is a great city to live in. And who knows, you could be President some day (see #6).

6. President of the United States
Look, all politics aside, this is not a great job. Sure, you have real power (despite what all of those jealous Europeans might think, you really are leader of the free world). And you can make a real positive impact on world history if circumstances and character permit (see Roosevelt, Franklin D. or Lincoln, Abraham, just to name two). But you're ridiculously underpaid (consider for instance that baseball player Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees makes more in two months than the President does all year. Or, to make it worse, that Paris Hilton made more money to strip and act badly in House of Wax than Bush or Clinton made in four years in the job.) You spend the first four years in a constant reelection cycle, either trying to set up your second term or helping your partymates win elections in lower offices. And no matter how hard you try, your presidency will almost certainly be made or broken only after you face your first crisis, probably some horrible incident that no normal person would want to ever have to deal with. For the stress level involved, the power really just isn't worth it. Which is why only rich megalomaniacs who are either a) tools of big business or b) doomed idealogues are the only people who can even run for the office these days.

7. Co-executive producer of the (Dave) Chappelle Show - Maalox is a requirement. As is patience.

8. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's housekeeper

I'm sure there's a million other jobs that fit this category. Why don't you email us in the comments section of the blog and suggest some more? I'll make sure to include them in future blogs...

This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

There are unfortunately many to choose from, but the most amazing one from this week comes from London, where an auction house is going to auction off "chimpanzee art." These paintings were done by a 2 to 4 year old chimp named Congo during the 1950s. They are expected to sell for between $1150 and $1500 a piece.

Peace now...

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Love, Spokane Style

Oh, how I love a story about a holier-than-thou Republican getting his or her comeuppance! From the Associated Press comes the story of Spokane mayor Jim West (isn't that the guy from the old Wild, Wild West TV series?) who yesterday decided to take "a few weeks off" to fight allegations of child molestation and using his position to offer city jobs to gay men he met online. West characterized himself as the victim of a "witch hunt" orchestrated by the local newspaper.

The Spokane Spokesman-Review hired a computer forensics expert to pose as an 18-year old male high school student who engaged in Internet chats with West on the appropriately named website The newspaper reported that West offered the fake teen a City Hall internship, tickets to professional sporting events and other gifts.

Other young men have come out, so to speak, to confirm that West had contacted them and offered them city jobs while hounding them for dates or sex.

The Spokesman-Review also reported that West had abused two boys while he was a sheriff's deputy and Boy Scout leader in the late 1970's and early 1980's.

West is a 54-year old divorced former state Senate leader and staunch opponent of gay rights who was a leader in efforts to try and block gay marriage initiatives. Although he denies decades-old molestation charges, West has admitted to visiting gay online chat rooms and to having relations with adult men.

As the Dana Carvey's Church Lady would say, "Well, isn't that special?" There's nothing quite like a closeted gay conservative Republican when it comes to the topic of denial. I suppose West might argue that he's not really gay, because when his penis is in the anus of other men, he's not really thinking "gay thoughts". (An argument that has actually been made by other outed, self-hating gays in the past, including the notorious red-baiter Ray Cohn.) Talk about voting against your own interests! Everyone who votes Republican consistently in some ways votes against their own interests--but none more so that a Republican politician who uses his position to chase gay tail.

Look, Democrats can and frequently are hypocritical too. Hypocrisy being one of my top pet peeves, I'm always going to be available for rants--and paid speeches, I charge reasonsable rates--if the topic is hypocrisy and I'm not going to let anyone off the hook. It's just that right-wing Republicans are so relentless in the way they try to shove "family values" and God down our throats and so many of them are the ones doing the worst sinning even by their own ridiculously pious standards. I mean, enough is enough!

Now the only thing I need to make my week is to find out that Ann Coulter is clubbing baby seals and drinking the blood of young virgins. If anyone has any info about that, by all means email us at dissent channel and then we can have a hell of a good week...