WE HAVE A NEW POPE!

The magical white smoke was seen wafting above the Vatican chimney with care and the assembled crowd of thousands in St. Peter's Square now know for whom the bells toll. The Catholic faith and the city-state of Vatican City has a new leader, arrived at after a surprisingly short cardinal conclave.

And the winner is: Chris Rock, who will now be called Pope Christopher Pius Irreverent the First. Word inside the Vatican is that Rock will appeal to a much younger demographic, the very same demographic that has been leaving the Catholic Church in droves in recent years because of conflicts with the Church over issues such as abortion, divorce and a sex abuse scandal involving priests. Rock has said that although he is not actually Catholic, he believes he can bridge the gap between the conservative church orthodoxy and the modern Catholic, all while "keepin' it real." Observers believe it will be interesting to see how Pope Irreverent manages to tone down his edgy comedy for the much more staid and ceremonial pope position.

Immediately following the announcement, ABC and the Motion Picture Academy reportedly thanked Rock for hosting last year's Oscars while putting out feelers to Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Father Guido Sarducci to host next year's Academy Awards.