WE HAVE A NEW POPE!

The magical white smoke was seen wafting above the Vatican chimney with care and the assembled crowd of thousands in St. Peter's Square now know for whom the bells toll. The Catholic faith and the city-state of Vatican City has a new leader, arrived at after a surprisingly short cardinal conclave.

And the winner is: Chris Rock, who will now be called Pope Christopher Pius Irreverent the First. Word inside the Vatican is that Rock will appeal to a much younger demographic, the very same demographic that has been leaving the Catholic Church in droves in recent years because of conflicts with the Church over issues such as abortion, divorce and a sex abuse scandal involving priests. Rock has said that although he is not actually Catholic, he believes he can bridge the gap between the conservative church orthodoxy and the modern Catholic, all while "keepin' it real." Observers believe it will be interesting to see how Pope Irreverent manages to tone down his edgy comedy for the much more staid and ceremonial pope position.

Immediately following the announcement, ABC and the Motion Picture Academy reportedly thanked Rock for hosting last year's Oscars while putting out feelers to Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Father Guido Sarducci to host next year's Academy Awards.

FENDER BENDERS...

Dead Pope Now Appearing Live Daily

This will undoubtedly offend some people who stumble across this blog, but honestly aren't we supposed to be a little too advanced as a people for the outpouring of idol worship that is masquerading as mourning for the pope? Yes, I'm not Catholic and true, the good works of archdioceses around the globe have helped provide education, clothing and shelter, especially in the Third World (would there be anybody left in Rwanda if not the nuns who harbored thousands during the massacres?) But if any other religion that didn't have the Roman Catholic brand name had a titular leader who was elected by a secret society of scarcely known old men and this leader were allowed to make pronouncements that upheld the doctrine of celibacy for its male preachers, that said women weren't fit to serve in the same capacity as men within the church, that divorce was a sin against God and not permitted, just to name a few, then most people, religous or not, would probably brand that religion as a "cult" and it's leader as a reactionary "megalomaniac".

It's good to be able to trace your history all the way back to the apostle Paul and the old J.C., but it's also a good thing for a church ( one which so many people put their faith and goodwill behind) to be able to evolve a little too. After all, most of what the Catholic Church preaches--and what this pope and any pope stands for--wasn't written in the Bible by apostles, but set down as church doctrine by politically savvy and self-interested men. In that regard, the pope who's death means so much to so many probably shouldn't be accorded any more special regard than any other deceased head of state.

And you know what? Saying so doesn't consign you to hell, although it won't get me invited to any of Mel Gibson's parties.

NBC's Revelations

The West Wing becomes the first series to have it's season finale tonight (9pm EST, NBC) and next week NBC puts the limited-run series Revelations on in West Wing's timeslot. I'm intrigued by this little bit of counterprogramming, because the series, loosely based on the gloomy predictions of the Bible's final book, lays out a fantasy scenario about how the "revelations" might play out today. *SPOILER* I'm betting that at the end, the little devil baby from the promos grows up to be George W. Bush. Or at the very least, Dick Cheney.

Readin', Writin' and Evolvin'

Dozens of science museums and IMAX movie theaters across the South (and why does that region of the country deserve to be capitalized?) still refuse to show the James Cameron produced IMAX movie Volcanoes of the Deep, because of scenes that apparently illustrate or discuss evolution as fact. (Disclosure: I have not yet seen the movie). It's not like there are widespread protests against this movie--some theaters just refuse to show it in anticipation of being picketed by narrow-minded troglodytes. To these brave souls I would like to ask just one question: Do you even understand what the "science" in your science museum is supposed to be about? And how about an American culture where we censor ourselves because we're afraid that some vocal (and wrongheaded) people will exorcise their right to free speech? That's like cutting off your leg because it might get caught in a bear trap.

Cablevision Bids to Buy Adelphia

As we rapidly approach the day when all things media related are owned by the same five or six megacorps, I must say that as someone who has suffered through Adelphia's idea of both cable and Internet "service" it's not hard to see why they are bankrupt. In the good old days, Adelphia would probably go out of business with their remains feasted upon by the strong, but this potential merger will probably bail them out so they can all continue to rip us off another day. To all of this I say to the FCC, "Abre los ojos"...open your eyes.

Until I piss you off again, peace...