Wednesday, March 03, 2004


Well, it's official. It's going to be Kerry-Edwards, although we haven't gotten around to the part where Kerry names John Edwards as his running mate, although it's just a formality. Some pundits are throwing names out there like Indiana Gov. Evan Bayh, Rep. Dick Gephardt, Gen. Wesley Clark, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and even Sen. Hilary Clinton. Let me briefly break down why none of those choices make any sense (how come pundits get so much money to get on TV and be so incredibly stupid? Was there a course on this that I missed in college?):

Bayh: Has the sex appeal of a potato (that's without the "e" at the end, as a reminder to Indiana's former senator Dan Quayle).

Gephardt: Popular with blue collar voters in the Midwest, has the reputation of being a national loser. Also has trouble translating the charisma and intelligence of his stump speeches to TV.

Wesley Clark: General, the late Andy Warhol called. You're 15 minutes are almost up.

Richardson: Not well known nationally and a potential GOP tackling dummy considering he ran the Nuclear Regulatory Agency at the time of one of it's greatest debacles--when a spy sold secrets stolen from Los Alamos, right in his own backyard.

Hilary: Why settle for refried beans when you can have the whole enchilada to yourself in either four or eight years?

So it will be Kerry and Edwards, with Kerry filling the role of everyone's "best choice to beat Bush" (although few Democratic voters can tell you exactly why) and Edwards playing the role of the charismatic, good looking populist who will help make inroads into the South. A CBS News poll last week had a Kerry-Edwards ticket beating Bush-Halliburton by eight points, but that was before the Resident had even begun campaigning or spending any of that $100 million plus war chest. It'll be a long close fight to the end and look for Republican operators to begin their efforts to disenfranchise minority voters in Florida, Ohio and other key swing states any day now.

Free Condoms in Every Box of Thin Mints

The AP reported on Wednesday that many people in the former Governor Bush's hometown of Crawford, Texas are boycotting the purchase of Girl Scout cookies on the grounds that the organization has a "cozy relationship" with Planned Parenthood.

Apparently, many parents are uncomfortable that the local Girl Scout organization had given a "woman of distinction" award last year to a Planned Parenthood executive. The Girl Scouts also endorsed a Planned Parenthood sex-ed program in which girls and boys are given literature on homosexuality, masturbation and condoms. (Of course, there's no way educating girls about their own bodies should be a mission for an organization like the Girl Scouts. This is obviously a role best handled by peers in the girl's lavatory and the Internet.)

The good news is that cookie sales have skyrocketed in the Wacko--er, Waco area as a result of the scandal as other local residents have ordered more cookies as a show of support for the Scouts. Still, the hypocrisy and insanity of this whole thing can best be illustrated by a comment from parent Shannon Donaldson, who after studying a sex-education pamphlet distributed by Planned Parenthood and partially sponsored by the Girl Scouts, had this to say:

"It embarrassed me to look at it with my husband."

Folks, let the joke write itself.

Touching Oscar

I was going to write something about the Oscar telecast this past Sunday, only to realize with some relief that I'd already forgotten about most of it. (Overblown and untrue stories about Bill Murray throwing a hissy fit about not winning notwithstanding). One thing I'll never forget though is my friend Andy Sacks winning an Oscar for his role as producer of the victorious Live Action Short Film, TWO SOLDIERS, directed by the talented Aaron Schneider. (It's an excellent film if you can find a way to see it). He was generous enough to let it stay in this apartment last night and even though I sometimes try to pooh pooh all the hype that goes with the big awards shows, it was quite a thrill to see one up close and personal and to pick it up and realize how heavy it is. You could probably kill Joan Rivers with one, if it didn't get somehow bounce off of her taut, collagenized, stretched and injected face. But I digress.

Anyway, I just want to say thanks to Andy, congratulations and--what's your next project? :-)

Random Musings

You think this blog is too long? Tough--I've been busy and I was constipated with the truth. Now I've had the fiber of information and I'm going to let it flow:

--We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of the U.S. misled invasion of Iraq and there are still no weapons of mass destruction found, although earlier this week over 300 were killed and many more wounded in two separate, coordinated car bomb attacks in Karbalah and Baghdad. Funny, how many more terrorists are in Iraq now then before the U.S. invasion, which was justified at least in part as part of the global, neverending War on Terrorism (yeah, how's that going? Found Osama yet?) Don't get me wrong, there's no love lost for Saddam Hussein (although the U.S. was instrumental in putting him in office in the first place) and eventually one has to be that a Democratic Iraq will be safer for its citizens than one ruled by Saddam, but an entire region has been destabilized and thousands have lost their lives with no Constitution yet in place and U.S. gas prices climbing towards $3.00 a gallon. If the Democrats can't win on this issue in 2004, they seriously ought to disband the party.

--Howard Dean won his first primary on Super Tuesday, in his home state of Vermont. In a speech that night, Dean was quoted as saying that afterward he was "going to Montpelier, then Burlington, then Mt. Washington, then on to Lake Champlain..." But seriously, I don't think I can ever get over how much the media built Dean up and then tore him down with such malicious relish. Pray they don't do it to John Kerry (you know they won't touch their journalistic golden goose and patron, George W. Bush).

--In a shocking development, McDonald's announced it was doing away with the supersize option in all of it's restaurants. In a separate press release, the fast food chain reassured the public that this change in no way referred to any of its customers.

--A former teammate of Barry Bonds, and a current baseball announcer, stated that he knew for a fact that Bonds had taken steroids and indicated that his incredible home run numbers late in his career were a direct result. While Bonds continues to deny emphatically that he uses steroids, even as his trainer and some business associates are being investigated for trafficking in steroids and other illegal athletic enhancers, Pete Rose was giving 3 to 1 odds that Bonds would fail a steroid test.

Did you miss me? Yeah, that's what I thought. Until I next write again, which is probably when some really stupid lie gets sold as fact or the media reports something that totally pisses me off, arrividerci...