Monday, November 22, 2004

F*ck the South? No, F*ck You (Says My Pal Jeff)

Dear friend and comrade Jeff weighs in on the "Southern Question," as it seems that everyone is aflutter with advice for and recriminations against us poor rubes down South. Quoth he:
Okay, here is today’s rant. What with the current political climate and all, I have been gifted with a great many opinion pieces on the election results, and allow me first to thank everyone who shared. Now, let the rant begin…

Just because I am from the South does not make me stupid. I did not vote for Bush, nor did any of the people I know and associate with on a daily basis. SO GIVE OVER WITH THE “ALL SOUTHERNERS ARE STUPID AND NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY” BULLSHIT.

Here are the facts about being Southern in 2004:

1. I firmly support the separation of church and state. America is not a theocracy, and should not be governed as such.
2. I do not eat fried chicken and collards on a daily basis.
3. Evolution is a fact of biology. As such, it should be taught in schools. Creationism is not science and has no place being taught in schools as science. If as an opinion-wielding northerner you don’t know who Duane Gish is, or what the ICR is, or cannot give me a short synopsis of the Scopes trial, then shut the fuck up about Southern hicks’ attachment to “creation science,” because you are no better informed than any ignor’nt Southerner.
4. At no point in my life have I even shot a gun. I do not hunt, I do not own an assault rifle, and I understand the Second Amendment’s purpose. No person needs armor piercing weaponry.
5. I actually know and like some Muslim people. Hell, I even can tell you what the “five pillars of Islam” are, if you so desire, and I understand the linguistic derivation of the word “Islam” and can discuss how Arabic and Hebrew are actually related.
6. I can find Afghanistan, Iraq, and several other countries on a globe or map, with or without labels.
7. “Person with Southern accent” does not mean uneducated rube. I have read more than 10 books, many without pictures, and not a few untranslated from the original languages in which they were written. Some of the books I have read even used words with more than one syllable.
8. I do not believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God. In fact, the King James Bible is a work of bad scholarship, and is not a particularly good translation from the original texts. This being said, the curse of fundamentalism is not only a Southern curse. There are people all over this country who are fundamentalists at heart.

Whatever. I know I am beating a dead horse here, but sometimes it really pisses me off when people who I believe have good intentions forward me some silly shit that equates the curse of the Bushies with the South. Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t the Bushies actually a family of rich Yankees? So, rally round the Stars and Bars, boys, and let's start shifting the blame where it really belongs: to those ignorant Northerners who insist on leaving R’s out of words like “park” and “car” and shoving them onto the ends of their idears.

Well done, Master Jeff. Thank you for ranting. That said, I'm saddened by the defense of regionalism necessitated by this awful so-called election. Snarky yankees yelling about rightwing nutjobs down South while non-rightwing nutjobs down South have to yell about snarky yankees sucking up all the oxygen. Everybody's right, everybody's wrong. But mostly, Jeff is right and everybody else is wrong.

Go here to check out how this whole North v. South/red v. blue divide is a load of hooey anyway.